Table of Contents

These are my concise notes on the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie so that I can look back on this and get a quick reminder. The book gives 6 guiding principles to live by in order to better form and maintain relationships with others. My goal is to change the way I see people, interact with people, and appreciate people since that is an area I definitely need to improve on.

I'm posting this in my blog just to share with anyone who wants to change their life in this way too.

Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

Key takeaway: Criticizing others pushes people away, will not lead to any meaningful change, and leads to resentment. Anyone can criticize, condemn, or complain. However, it takes strong character and self-control to be respectful, understanding, and forgiving. It is important to try to understand people and why they do what they do to build empathy, tolerance, and kindness.

Most people don't take (non-constructive) criticism well, and it tends to have the opposite intended effect since people tend to blame everyone but themselves. Carnegie illustrates this with a construction safety coordinator who failed to get workers to wear hard hats through condemnation, but succeeded when he switched to asking if the hats were uncomfortable and pleasantly reminding them it was for their safety.

Carnegie also uses Abraham Lincoln as a primary example. When Lincoln was younger, he would constantly be writing critical letters to people and that eventually led to so many people resenting him that one of the men even challenged him to a dual. That changed his way of thinking, and led him to become an extremely understanding, forgiving, and reasonable person.

For example, during the Civil War, when General Meade disobeyed Lincoln's order to attack Confederate forces—missing a chance to end the war—Lincoln wrote a scathing letter. But he never sent it. Instead, he considered Meade's perspective: the exhaustion, the week of bloodshed, the screams of the dying. Lincoln realized that criticism would only make Meade defensive and impair his effectiveness as a commander, thus choosing understanding over condemnation. He knew the importance of thinking about other people's perspectives and conditions to make judgments in his actions.

Look at Lincoln and how much respect and admiration people have for him. You should try to be someone like that. Someone who is understanding and forgiving of people rather than critical and condemning. This will foster stronger connections with a wider range of people.

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Key takeaway: People crave appreciation and recognition, and it's one of the deepest human needs, yet rarely satisfied. Sincere appreciation (not fake, selfish flattery) builds loyalty, motivation, and stronger relationships. Most people do the opposite: criticize faults but stay silent about what's good. Great leaders like Schwab and Rockefeller succeeded by genuinely appreciating others, and this simple practice can transform your relationships if you make it a habit.

Many philosophers throughout history have emphasized how the deepest human desire is to feel importance. That is what drives people to follow the latest fashion trends, drive the fastest cars, etc.

In fact, think about how you get your feeling of importance. This can give you deeper insight into your own character and things you might be looking for in life.

Some people have even gone insane chasing that feeling of importance. Distinguished doctors have even said that "many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality." If people literally go insane to chase this sense of importance, think about how far giving people those feelings through appreciation and recognition can go.

Genuine appreciation and kindness can take you further than you can even imagine. For example, Charles Schwab was paid over $1 million per year by Andrew Carnegie to lead U.S. Steel—not because he knew more about steel than others, but because he knew how to inspire people through appreciation and encouragement rather than criticism. He understood that sincere praise brings out the best in people, while criticism kills their ambition. Schwab even said that was the most valuable skill he had!

Also, quick reminder to let your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/spouse know that you appreciate them as it's easy to take them for granted. One of the main reasons partners leave is that they don't feel appreciated enough.

It is critical to not mistake appreciation with flattery. The difference between the two is that appreciation is sincere and flattery is insincere. One comes from the heart out, while the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish while the other selfish. If we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to cheap flattery.

Try to leave a trail of kindness and appreciation in your day-to-day. Don't be afraid to compliment others and show honest apprecation for what they do.

Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

Key takeaway: The only way to influence people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. It's crucial to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in them an eager want for something should not be manipulation, but rather both parties should gain from the interaction.

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. That same principle is true for others as well. Thus, you need to talk in terms of what other people want to influence them.

The author shares an example of when he needed to negotiate a rent increase for a hotel ballroom. Instead of arguing about what he wanted, he calmly laid out the advantages and disadvantages to the hotel manager, focusing entirely on the manager's interests. The result? His rent increase was reduced from 300% to just 50%, simply because he talked about what the other person wanted.

This principle applies everywhere: when Stan Novak's son refused to go to kindergarten, Stan didn't force him. instead, he showed Tim all the fun things he'd get to do like finger painting and making friends, arousing in Tim an eager want to attend. Henry Ford said it best: "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own." Before trying to persuade anyone, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?" That one question can transform your approach from futile arguing to genuine influence.

The world is full of people who are selfish and mainly look out for themselves. So, by being the person who is unselfish and tries to serve others, you can stand out and have an advantage.

Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

Key takeaway: You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. People aren't interested in you, they're interested in themselves. The key to winning friends is to shift your focus outward and develop a sincere curiosity about others, their lives, and what matters to them.

Carnegie opens this chapter with a powerful example: dogs. A dog makes friends effortlessly not because it tries to impress you, but because it's genuinely excited to see you. There are no ulterior motives—just pure, authentic interest and affection.

A famous psychologist said that "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring." This is one of the most important insights in the chapter. If you're struggling with relationships, ask yourself: am I genuinely interested in others?

I'll give one more example from the book. A sales representative named Edward M. Sykes once lost a major partnership with a store because the owner felt neglected by his company. But Sykes had always taken time to greet the soda clerk and other staff, which was something most salespeople ignored. When he returned hours later to try again, the owner gave him double the usual order. Why? The soda clerk had told the owner that Sykes was one of the few salespeople who bothered to acknowledge the "regular" employees. That genuine interest preserved his relationship with the store and saved the partnership.

Sincere friendships come from you being genuinely interested in other people. Here are some things you can do:

• Greet people with genuine enthusiasm
• Take time to talk with everyone, not just the "important" people
• Ask about things that matter to them and actually listen to their answers
• Remember small details about their lives and follow up later
• Do things for others that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness

Become interested in others and they will become interested in you.

Smile

Key takeaway: A genuine smile is one of the most powerful tools for building connections. It instantly communicates warmth and positivity and creates a ripple effect that brightens everyone's day. More importantly, the act of smiling—even when you don't feel like it—can actually improve your own mood and happiness. It costs nothing but can transform your relationships, your work, and your entire life.

Smiling is a universal communication between people. It works just like a baby's smile or a dog's excited greeting: it's infectious and everyone understands it. When a baby smiles at you, what do you do? You smile back. That's the power of a genuine smile.

Carnegie gives a good example with a woman named Maria Gonzalez who worked alone in a closed-off office and felt isolated from her coworkers since she was too shy to reach out. One day she decided to smile and greet everyone she passed with "Hi, how are you today?" The effect was immediate as smiles and hellos came back, the hallway seemed brighter, and friendships developed. Her whole job and life became more pleasant, all because she chose to smile and step a bit out of her comfort zone.

Even on days you don't feel like smiling, force yourself to do it anyways. Acting like you are happy tends to make you happier, as shown by psychology. Happiness is a choice. As Abraham Lincoln said: "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Two people can be in the exact same situation but one happy and one not. The difference is the mindset of the person and how they see life and themselves.

To someone who has seen a dozen people frown or scowl, your smile is like the sun breaking through clouds. It costs nothing but creates everything from happiness to connections to greater opportunities.

So smile more. Smile at strangers. Smile when you answer the phone. Smile when you're walking down the street. Make it a habit, and watch how it transforms your life and the lives of everyone around you.

Remember Peoples' Names

Key takeaway: A person's name is incredibly important to them and "is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language". Remembering and using someone's name is a simple but powerful way to make them feel valued and important. Most people forget names because they don't put in the effort, but those who put in the work to master this skill gain an enormous advantage in business, politics, and personal relationships.

A person's name is what makes them unique. It is what they use to identify themselves. The average person is much more interested in their own name than any other name since it defines so much of a person.

Andrew Carnegie understood this principle extremely well. For example, when he wanted to sell steel to the Pennsylvania Railroad (whose president was J. Edgar Thomson), Carnegie built a steel mill and named it the "Edgar Thomson Steel Works." Guess where Thomson bought his steel? When merging with Pullman, Carnegie suggested naming the new company "Pullman Palace Car Company." Pullman's face brightened immediately, and the deal was done.

Even the busiest people make time for names. Franklin D. Roosevelt remembered the names of mechanics, White House porters, and everyone he met. When a mechanic came with Chamberlain to deliver Roosevelt's custom car, the mechanic barely spoke and Roosevelt only heard his name once. But before they left, Roosevelt sought him out, shook his hand, called him by name, and genuinely thanked him. Days later, both men received autographed photos and thank-you notes. If the President of the United States can remember a shy mechanic's name, what's your excuse?

Most people don't remember names because they don't make the effort. They don't concentrate, repeat, and fix names in their minds. They claim they're too busy, but they're probably not busier than Roosevelt or Carnegie. Remembering names requires intentional work, and most people are too lazy to do it.

So put in the effort. Ask people to repeat their name; use it more in conversations; write them down; associate it with mental images. When you remember someone's name, it shows them that you care and that they matter enough for you to make that effort to remember.

Be a Good Listener and Encourage People to Talk About themselves

Key takeaway: Most people don't want to hear about you, but rather, they want to talk about themselves. If you want to be seen as an interesting conversationalist, stop trying to impress people with your stories and instead become genuinely interested in theirs. Be a genuinely attentive listener by actively listening intently, asking questions, and encouraging them to talk.

For example, at a dinner party, the author met a botanist and spent hours listening to him talk about exotic plants, experiments, and indoor gardens. Carnegie said almost nothing, and instead listened intently because he was genuinely interested. While leaving, the botanist told their host that Carnegie was "the most interesting conversationalist" he'd ever met. Carnegie had not really been interesting per say, but rather interested in what the botanist had to say.

You may face times in business or with your personal relationships that you want to interrupt the other person because you disagree or what they are saying is frustrating you. It is important to not interrupt, and to listen to them with patience and remain calm. Many times, irritated customers, partners, hurt friends, etc. just want a friendly, sympathetic listener.

The worst conversationalists are those who never listen, talk incessantly about themselves, and interrupt others mid-sentence. They are people intoxicated with their own egos.

So if you want to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that others will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Make them feel heard, understood, and important. That's all most people really want and it's a great way to connect with people.

Talk in Terms of the Other Person's Interests

Key takeaway: The fastest way to connect with anyone is to talk about what they care about most. Do your research, find out what interests them, and steer the conversation toward their passions. People will talk enthusiastically for hours about their interests, and they'll remember you fondly for giving them that chance.

I'll start with an example. Edward L. Chalif needed a huge favor from a corporate president to pay for one of his Boy Scouts to attend an event in Europe. Before meeting with him, Chalif learned the president had framed a canceled million-dollar check. So when Chalif entered his office, the first thing he did was ask to see the check. He admired it and asked how it came to be written. Notice what Chalif didn't do—he didn't start by talking about Boy Scouts or what he wanted. He talked about what interested the other man. The result? The president agreed to pay for the event, and more; all because Chalif talked about the president's interests first.

The road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. When you talk in terms of the other person's interests, you get to learn more about them and they get the pleasure of talking about something they love with someone who actually cares. Find out what excites people. Ask questions about their passions. Let them talk.

Make People Feel Important in a Sincere way

Key takeaway: The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to feel important and appreciated. Almost everyone you meet feels superior to you in some way, and recognizing their importance sincerely is one of the most powerful things you can do. This is essentially the Golden Rule: treat others how you want to be treated. When you make people feel genuinely valued and important, you unlock opportunities and new relationships.

An example the author uses is with the founder of Kodak, George Eastman, and a salesman trying to sell him chairs. When the salesperson, Adamson, came to sell him the chairs, he was warned to take no more than five minutes. But Adamson genuinely admired Eastman's beautiful office, and Eastman spent over an hour showing him around, talking about his early struggles and philanthropic work. Adamson got the order and a lifelong friendship all because he made Eastman feel important through sincere appreciation.

Little phrases such as ‘I’m sorry to bother you,’ ‘Would you be so kind as to – ?’ ‘Won’t you please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thank you’ – little courtesies like these show manners, respect, and appreciation with little to no effort.

Everyone wants to feel valued in some way, and giving that to them is a fantastic way to build up relationships with those people.