Table of Contents

These are my concise notes on the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie so that I can look back on this and get a quick reminder. The book gives 30 guiding principles to live by in order to better form and maintain relationships with others. My goal is to change the way I see people, interact with people, and appreciate people since that is an area I definitely need to improve on.

I'm posting this in my blog just to share with anyone who wants to change their life in this way too.

Handling People

The next 3 main topics cover interact with people in the best way possible to drive them closer to you.

Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

Key takeaway: Criticizing others pushes people away, will not lead to any meaningful change, and leads to resentment. Anyone can criticize, condemn, or complain. However, it takes strong character and self-control to be respectful, understanding, and forgiving. It is important to try to understand people and why they do what they do to build empathy, tolerance, and kindness.

Most people don't take (non-constructive) criticism well, and it tends to have the opposite intended effect since people tend to blame everyone but themselves. Carnegie illustrates this with a construction safety coordinator who failed to get workers to wear hard hats through condemnation, but succeeded when he switched to asking if the hats were uncomfortable and pleasantly reminding them it was for their safety.

Carnegie also uses Abraham Lincoln as a primary example. When Lincoln was younger, he would constantly be writing critical letters to people and that eventually led to so many people resenting him that one of the men even challenged him to a dual. That changed his way of thinking, and led him to become an extremely understanding, forgiving, and reasonable person.

For example, during the Civil War, when General Meade disobeyed Lincoln's order to attack Confederate forces—missing a chance to end the war—Lincoln wrote a scathing letter. But he never sent it. Instead, he considered Meade's perspective: the exhaustion, the week of bloodshed, the screams of the dying. Lincoln realized that criticism would only make Meade defensive and impair his effectiveness as a commander, thus choosing understanding over condemnation. He knew the importance of thinking about other people's perspectives and conditions to make judgments in his actions.

Look at Lincoln and how much respect and admiration people have for him. You should try to be someone like that. Someone who is understanding and forgiving of people rather than critical and condemning. This will foster stronger connections with a wider range of people.

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Key takeaway: People crave appreciation and recognition, and it's one of the deepest human needs, yet rarely satisfied. Sincere appreciation (not fake, selfish flattery) builds loyalty, motivation, and stronger relationships. Most people do the opposite: criticize faults but stay silent about what's good. Great leaders like Schwab and Rockefeller succeeded by genuinely appreciating others, and this simple practice can transform your relationships if you make it a habit.

Many philosophers throughout history have emphasized how the deepest human desire is to feel importance. That is what drives people to follow the latest fashion trends, drive the fastest cars, etc.

In fact, think about how you get your feeling of importance. This can give you deeper insight into your own character and things you might be looking for in life.

Some people have even gone insane chasing that feeling of importance. Distinguished doctors have even said that "many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality." If people literally go insane to chase this sense of importance, think about how far giving people those feelings through appreciation and recognition can go.

Genuine appreciation and kindness can take you further than you can even imagine. For example, Charles Schwab was paid over $1 million per year by Andrew Carnegie to lead U.S. Steel—not because he knew more about steel than others, but because he knew how to inspire people through appreciation and encouragement rather than criticism. He understood that sincere praise brings out the best in people, while criticism kills their ambition. Schwab even said that was the most valuable skill he had!

Also, quick reminder to let your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/spouse know that you appreciate them as it's easy to take them for granted. One of the main reasons partners leave is that they don't feel appreciated enough.

It is critical to not mistake appreciation with flattery. The difference between the two is that appreciation is sincere and flattery is insincere. One comes from the heart out, while the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish while the other selfish. If we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to cheap flattery.

Try to leave a trail of kindness and appreciation in your day-to-day. Don't be afraid to compliment others and show honest apprecation for what they do.

Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

Key takeaway: The only way to influence people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. It's crucial to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in them an eager want for something should not be manipulation, but rather both parties should gain from the interaction.

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. That same principle is true for others as well. Thus, you need to talk in terms of what other people want to influence them.

The author shares an example of when he needed to negotiate a rent increase for a hotel ballroom. Instead of arguing about what he wanted, he calmly laid out the advantages and disadvantages to the hotel manager, focusing entirely on the manager's interests. The result? His rent increase was reduced from 300% to just 50%, simply because he talked about what the other person wanted.

This principle applies everywhere: when Stan Novak's son refused to go to kindergarten, Stan didn't force him. instead, he showed Tim all the fun things he'd get to do like finger painting and making friends, arousing in Tim an eager want to attend. Henry Ford said it best: "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own." Before trying to persuade anyone, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?" That one question can transform your approach from futile arguing to genuine influence.

The world is full of people who are selfish and mainly look out for themselves. So, by being the person who is unselfish and tries to serve others, you can stand out and have an advantage.

Getting People to Like You

The next 6 principles revolve around being more likable, and also being able to make more friends.

Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

Key takeaway: You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. People aren't interested in you, they're interested in themselves. The key to winning friends is to shift your focus outward and develop a sincere curiosity about others, their lives, and what matters to them.

Carnegie opens this chapter with a powerful example: dogs. A dog makes friends effortlessly not because it tries to impress you, but because it's genuinely excited to see you. There are no ulterior motives—just pure, authentic interest and affection.

A famous psychologist said that "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring." This is one of the most important insights in the chapter. If you're struggling with relationships, ask yourself: am I genuinely interested in others?

I'll give one more example from the book. A sales representative named Edward M. Sykes once lost a major partnership with a store because the owner felt neglected by his company. But Sykes had always taken time to greet the soda clerk and other staff, which was something most salespeople ignored. When he returned hours later to try again, the owner gave him double the usual order. Why? The soda clerk had told the owner that Sykes was one of the few salespeople who bothered to acknowledge the "regular" employees. That genuine interest preserved his relationship with the store and saved the partnership.

Sincere friendships come from you being genuinely interested in other people. Here are some things you can do:

• Greet people with genuine enthusiasm
• Take time to talk with everyone, not just the "important" people
• Ask about things that matter to them and actually listen to their answers
• Remember small details about their lives and follow up later
• Do things for others that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness

Become interested in others and they will become interested in you.

Smile

Key takeaway: A genuine smile is one of the most powerful tools for building connections. It instantly communicates warmth and positivity and creates a ripple effect that brightens everyone's day. More importantly, the act of smiling—even when you don't feel like it—can actually improve your own mood and happiness. It costs nothing but can transform your relationships, your work, and your entire life.

Smiling is a universal communication between people. It works just like a baby's smile or a dog's excited greeting: it's infectious and everyone understands it. When a baby smiles at you, what do you do? You smile back. That's the power of a genuine smile.

Carnegie gives a good example with a woman named Maria Gonzalez who worked alone in a closed-off office and felt isolated from her coworkers since she was too shy to reach out. One day she decided to smile and greet everyone she passed with "Hi, how are you today?" The effect was immediate as smiles and hellos came back, the hallway seemed brighter, and friendships developed. Her whole job and life became more pleasant, all because she chose to smile and step a bit out of her comfort zone.

Even on days you don't feel like smiling, force yourself to do it anyways. Acting like you are happy tends to make you happier, as shown by psychology. Happiness is a choice. As Abraham Lincoln said: "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Two people can be in the exact same situation but one happy and one not. The difference is the mindset of the person and how they see life and themselves.

To someone who has seen a dozen people frown or scowl, your smile is like the sun breaking through clouds. It costs nothing but creates everything from happiness to connections to greater opportunities.

So smile more. Smile at strangers. Smile when you answer the phone. Smile when you're walking down the street. Make it a habit, and watch how it transforms your life and the lives of everyone around you.

Remember Peoples' Names

Key takeaway: A person's name is incredibly important to them and "is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language". Remembering and using someone's name is a simple but powerful way to make them feel valued and important. Most people forget names because they don't put in the effort, but those who put in the work to master this skill gain an enormous advantage in business, politics, and personal relationships.

A person's name is what makes them unique. It is what they use to identify themselves. The average person is much more interested in their own name than any other name since it defines so much of a person.

Andrew Carnegie understood this principle extremely well. For example, when he wanted to sell steel to the Pennsylvania Railroad (whose president was J. Edgar Thomson), Carnegie built a steel mill and named it the "Edgar Thomson Steel Works." Guess where Thomson bought his steel? When merging with Pullman, Carnegie suggested naming the new company "Pullman Palace Car Company." Pullman's face brightened immediately, and the deal was done.

Even the busiest people make time for names. Franklin D. Roosevelt remembered the names of mechanics, White House porters, and everyone he met. When a mechanic came with Chamberlain to deliver Roosevelt's custom car, the mechanic barely spoke and Roosevelt only heard his name once. But before they left, Roosevelt sought him out, shook his hand, called him by name, and genuinely thanked him. Days later, both men received autographed photos and thank-you notes. If the President of the United States can remember a shy mechanic's name, what's your excuse?

Most people don't remember names because they don't make the effort. They don't concentrate, repeat, and fix names in their minds. They claim they're too busy, but they're probably not busier than Roosevelt or Carnegie. Remembering names requires intentional work, and most people are too lazy to do it.

So put in the effort. Ask people to repeat their name; use it more in conversations; write them down; associate it with mental images. When you remember someone's name, it shows them that you care and that they matter enough for you to make that effort to remember.

Be a Good Listener and Encourage People to Talk About themselves

Key takeaway: Most people don't want to hear about you, but rather, they want to talk about themselves. If you want to be seen as an interesting conversationalist, stop trying to impress people with your stories and instead become genuinely interested in theirs. Be a genuinely attentive listener by actively listening intently, asking questions, and encouraging them to talk.

For example, at a dinner party, the author met a botanist and spent hours listening to him talk about exotic plants, experiments, and indoor gardens. Carnegie said almost nothing, and instead listened intently because he was genuinely interested. While leaving, the botanist told their host that Carnegie was "the most interesting conversationalist" he'd ever met. Carnegie had not really been interesting per say, but rather interested in what the botanist had to say.

You may face times in business or with your personal relationships that you want to interrupt the other person because you disagree or what they are saying is frustrating you. It is important to not interrupt, and to listen to them with patience and remain calm. Many times, irritated customers, partners, hurt friends, etc. just want a friendly, sympathetic listener.

The worst conversationalists are those who never listen, talk incessantly about themselves, and interrupt others mid-sentence. They are people intoxicated with their own egos.

So if you want to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that others will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Make them feel heard, understood, and important. That's all most people really want and it's a great way to connect with people.

Talk in Terms of the Other Person's Interests

Key takeaway: The fastest way to connect with anyone is to talk about what they care about most. Do your research, find out what interests them, and steer the conversation toward their passions. People will talk enthusiastically for hours about their interests, and they'll remember you fondly for giving them that chance.

I'll start with an example. Edward L. Chalif needed a huge favor from a corporate president to pay for one of his Boy Scouts to attend an event in Europe. Before meeting with him, Chalif learned the president had framed a canceled million-dollar check. So when Chalif entered his office, the first thing he did was ask to see the check. He admired it and asked how it came to be written. Notice what Chalif didn't do—he didn't start by talking about Boy Scouts or what he wanted. He talked about what interested the other man. The result? The president agreed to pay for the event, and more; all because Chalif talked about the president's interests first.

The road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. When you talk in terms of the other person's interests, you get to learn more about them and they get the pleasure of talking about something they love with someone who actually cares. Find out what excites people. Ask questions about their passions. Let them talk.

Make People Feel Important in a Sincere Way

Key takeaway: The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to feel important and appreciated. Almost everyone you meet feels superior to you in some way, and recognizing their importance sincerely is one of the most powerful things you can do. This is essentially the Golden Rule: treat others how you want to be treated. When you make people feel genuinely valued and important, you unlock opportunities and new relationships.

An example the author uses is with the founder of Kodak, George Eastman, and a salesman trying to sell him chairs. When the salesperson, Adamson, came to sell him the chairs, he was warned to take no more than five minutes. But Adamson genuinely admired Eastman's beautiful office, and Eastman spent over an hour showing him around, talking about his early struggles and philanthropic work. Adamson got the order and a lifelong friendship all because he made Eastman feel important through sincere appreciation.

Little phrases such as ‘I’m sorry to bother you,’ ‘Would you be so kind as to – ?’ ‘Won’t you please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thank you’ – little courtesies like these show manners, respect, and appreciation with little to no effort.

Everyone wants to feel valued in some way, and giving that to them is a fantastic way to build up relationships with those people.

Persuading Others to See Things Your Way

The Only Way to Win an Argument is to Avoid It

Key Takeaway: You can't win an argument. Even if you prove someone wrong, you still lose because you make them feel inferior and hurt their pride. They'll resent you and remain unconvinced. The only way to win an argument is to avoid it entirely.

Avoid arguments like the plague. Nine times out of ten an argument will end with both people even more convinced they are right.

Yes, misunderstandings will happen, but springing into an argument is not the right approach. Having tact, diplomacy, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint will lead to better results.

An example the author uses is with with Frederick S. Parsons and his experience with a stubborn tax inspector arguing over a $9,000 deduction. The longer they argued, the more stubborn the inspector became. So Parsons stopped arguing and gave sincere appreciation instead: "This must be petty compared to the really important decisions you make. I get my tax knowledge from books, but you're getting yours from real experience." The inspector's tone became friendly, and three days later he approved the return as filed. Arguments don't change minds; they just make people defensive and more entrenched.

Here are some ways to keep a disagreement from turning into an argument:

• Welcome disagreement as a chance to learn something you haven't considered
• Watch out for your first reaction, as the first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Stay calm and be careful not to be defensive.
• Control your temper
• Listen first and give the other person a chance to talk and finish what they have to say. Do NOT interrupt, debate, or defend.
• Look for areas of agreement
• Be honest by looking for areas you can admit error and apologize for your mistakes
• Think of them as people who want to help you, since anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are
• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem

Respect Other People's Opinions and Never Say "You're Wrong"

Key takeaway: Telling someone they're wrong is a direct attack on their intelligence and pride, which makes them defensive and unwilling to change their mind. Even if you're 100% right, bluntly saying so accomplishes nothing except making an enemy. Instead, use phrases like "I may be wrong, let's examine the facts" to disarm people and open their minds. The goal isn't to win arguments, it's to influence people and maintain relationships.

When you bluntly tell someone they are wrong, it makes them less likely to change their mind and will lead to more argument. People don't think as logically as they think emotionally. Most of us have biases and we resent being told we're wrong, and thus we harden our hearts against whoever tells us so.

Instead—even if you know you are right—admit that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as you are. It will likely make them want to admit that they may be wrong as well.

An example the author uses that I like is with Ben Franklin. One of his friends told him his opinionated ways were offensive and nobody wanted to hang out with him anymore. Franklin listened and then made it a rule to stop all direct contradiction. He stopped using words like "that's wrong" or "undoubtedly" and instead used phrases like "it appears to me" and "I may be wrong". As a result, his conversations became more pleasant, people listened to his opinions more readily, and he had far more influence.

You accomplish nothing good and do a lot of damage when you tell people they're wrong. Be diplomatic and admit you might be wrong. The goal isn't to prove you're smarter or that you are more correct. It is to influence people and maintain good relationships with them.

If You are Wrong, Admit It Quickly and Emphatically

Key takeaway: When you know you're going to be criticized anyway, beat the other person to it and criticize yourself first in a quick and empathic manner. This disarms them completely and often makes them defend you instead of attacking you. Admitting your mistakes takes courage and character, but it clears the air, earns respect, and actually feels better than making excuses for yourself.

There are 2 examples I really liked that the author gave that emphasizes this principle.

Ferdinand E. Warren, a commercial artist, had an art editor who loved finding fault. One day the editor called him in, hostile and gloating over a mistake. Instead of getting berated, Warren instead said: "Mr. So-and-so, if what you say is true, I am at fault and there's absolutely no excuse for my blunder. I've been doing drawings for you long enough to know better. I'm ashamed of myself." Immediately the editor started defending him: "Yes, you're right, but after all, this isn't a serious mistake." Warren interrupted: "Any mistake may be costly and they are all irritating." The editor tried to break in, but Warren kept going. "I should have been more careful. You give me a lot of work and you deserve the best, so I'm going to do this drawing all over." The editor actually ended up praising Warren's work and said the error was minor. Warren's eagerness to criticize himself took all the fight out of the editor. He ended up taking Warren to lunch and giving him another commission.

Another example I liked was with a middle-aged Chinese man in Hong Kong who had been estranged from his son for years because he had been an opium addict. Chinese tradition dictated that the younger person should make the first move toward reconciliation. But the father realized that since he wronged his son, the son was right in not wanting to see him. He knew he may lose face by asking a younger person's forgiveness, but he still went to his son's house, asked for and received forgiveness, and was reunited with his son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren.

When you're wrong, admit it quickly and with enthusiasm. It produces better results than not most of the time, and it's actually more fun than trying to defend yourself. I feel like it's easier to admit you are wrong than to hear that from someone else.

Begin in a Friendly Way

Key takeaway: Hostility breeds hostility, but friendliness breeds cooperation. When you approach people with anger or aggression, they immediately become defensive and resistant. But when you start with genuine warmth and friendliness, you disarm them and make them receptive to your ideas. You'll accomplish far more with kindness than you ever will with force or confrontation.

No matter what your mood is, how frustrated you may be with someone, or what the situation is, never approach anyone with hostility and anger. I think this Woodrow Wilson quote illustrates this best: "If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, 'Let us sit down and take counsel together,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all."

To demonstrate this further with an example, O.L. Straub wanted his rent reduced, but his landlord was notoriously difficult and other tenants had tried and failed. When the landlord came to see him after receiving his notice to vacate, Straub met him with enthusiasm and genuine appreciation. He complimented the landlord on how well he ran the building and said how much he'd like to stay but couldn't afford it. The landlord, who'd never received such a reception from a tenant, started sharing his troubles with complaining tenants. Then, without even being asked, he offered to reduce the rent. Straub said if he'd used the hostile methods other tenants tried, he would have failed just like them. It was the friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach that won.

Start friendly, and you'll accomplish things that seemed impossible with hostility.

Get the Other Person to Say 'Yes' Immediately

Key takeaway: Start conversations by emphasizing what you agree on, not what you disagree about. Get people saying "yes" from the very beginning because once someone says "no," their entire body goes into rejection mode and it's incredibly difficult to change their mind. The more "yeses" you get early on, the more receptive they become to your actual request

When someone says "no" and means it, their entire organism—glandular, nervous, muscular—goes into a condition of rejection. There's physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular system sets itself on guard against acceptance. But when someone says "yes," the opposite happens. They move forward in an accepting, open attitude. Thus, the more "yeses" you can get at the outset, the more likely you are to succeed with your actual proposal.

For example, Eddie Snow wanted to rent a bow for his brother. The shop he had been buying from said they don't rent bows. He called another shop, and the owner said: "I'm sorry, but we no longer rent bows because we can't afford to. Have you rented before?" Yes. "You probably paid $25-$30 for the rental, right?" Yes. "Are you the kind of person who likes to save money?" Yes. "We have complete bow sets on sale for $34.95. You could buy a complete set for only $4.95 more than renting one. Does that seem reasonable?" Yes. Eddie bought the set plus several other items and even became a regular customer—all because the owner got him saying "yes" instead of just shutting him down.

It's important to start off on the right foot and to be agreeable before trying to change peoples' minds.

Let the Other Person Do More of the Talking

Key takeaway: When trying to persuade someone, stop talking and start listening. Ask questions, listen patiently, and encourage them to express their ideas fully. If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.

Most people trying to win others over do too much talking themselves. If you disagree with someone, do not interrupt them as they won't pay attention while they still have ideas on their mind. Listen patiently with an open mind and encourage them to express their ideas fully.

I don't think an example is needed here. Just make sure to let the other person talk more and fully listen to them.

To address the last sentence in the key takeaway: when your friends excel you, they feel important; but when you excel them, they feel inferior and envious. Ask people share their accomplishments and joys and only share yours when asked.

Let the Other Person Feel that the Idea is theirs

Key takeaway: People have far more faith in ideas they discover themselves than ideas handed to them. Stop trying to ram your opinions down people's throats. Instead, make suggestions and let them think through the conclusion on their own.

No one likes being sold or told what to do. People prefer to feel like they are acting on their own ideas, and they like being consulted about their wishes and thoughts.

For example, an X-ray manufacturer used this idea to land a hospital contract. The hospital was building the a new X-ray department and the head doctor, Dr. L, was overwhelmed with salespeople pitching and praising their equipment. The smarter manufacturer took a different approach and wrote: "Our factory just completed a new line of X-ray equipment. The first shipment arrived at our office. They're not perfect. We know that and want to improve them. We'd be deeply obligated if you could look them over and give us your ideas on how to make them more serviceable to your profession."

Dr. L– was surprised and felt complimented as no manufacturer had ever sought his advice before. It made him feel important. He cancelled a dinner to look over the equipment. The more he studied it, the more he discovered for himself how much he liked it despite no one trying to sell it to him. He felt buying that equipment was his own idea so he basically sold himself on its superior qualities and ordered it!

Stop forcing your ideas on people. Plant suggestions, ask for their input, and let them reach the conclusion themselves. When they feel the idea is theirs, they'll defend it and implement it with passion.

Try Honestly to See Things from Other Peoples' POVs

Key takeaway: Instead of condemning people, try to understand why they think and act the way they do. Put yourself in their shoes and ask "How would I feel in their position?" This one shift in perspective can save you time, avoid conflict, and dramatically improve your relationships. Success in dealing with people depends entirely on understanding their viewpoint.

There's a reason why people think and act as they do. Find that reason, and you have the key to their actions and personality. As Kenneth M. Goode said: "Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint."

One example the author uses is with a man named Sam Douglas who used to criticize his wife for spending too much time on their lawn pulling weeds, fertilizing, and cutting grass when it didn't look any better than when they moved in four years earlier. His remarks distressed her and ruined their evenings. However, when he began to see things from her point of view, he realized that she enjoyed that work and might appreciate a compliment. One evening when she invited him to keep her company while pulling weeds, he went out and helped her, which led to an hour in hard work and pleasant conversation. After that, he often helped with gardening and complimented her on the fantastic job she was doing. As a result, it led happier life for both of them because he learned to see things from her point of view, even if the subject was just weeds.

Remember to always think in terms of the other person's point of view and to see things from their angle. Understanding others is so important for developing and strengthening relationships with others.

Be Sympathetic with Other People's Ideas and Desires

Key takeaway: When you genuinely sympathize with other people's feelings and desires—even when you disagree—you soften their resistance and open their minds.

A guiding saying the author uses is: "I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel the same way." People who come to you irritated, angry, frustrated feel those ways for a reason, and you should be sympathetic towards them since that is most people are looking for anyways.

For example, a man named Jay needed eight hours to repair a hotel escalator, but the manager didn't want to inconvenience guests for more than two hours. Instead of arguing, Jay said: "I know your hotel is busy and you'd like to keep shutdown time to a minimum. I understand your concern and we want to accommodate you. However, if we don't do a complete job now, your escalator may suffer more serious damage causing a much longer shutdown. I know you wouldn't want to inconvenience your guests for several days." By sympathizing with the manager's desire to keep patrons happy, Jay easily won him over without any conflict.

Everyone likes when people are sympathetic towards them, so be that person who is sympathetic towards people and their ideas, situations, etc.

Appeal to the Nobler Motives

Key takeaway: Everyone sees themselves as idealistic and well-intentioned, even criminals. If you want to change someone's behavior, appeal to their nobler motives like fairness, honor, and integrity—people will rise to meet your high expectations of them.

Jesse James robbed trains and banks, then gave money to neighboring farmers to pay off their mortgages. He probably saw himself as an idealist helping the poor. Even gangsters like Al Capone and Dutch Schultz had high regard for themselves. The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.

JP Morgan observed that a person usually has two reasons for doing something: one that sounds good and the real one. The person knows the real reason so you don't need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

For example, when John D. Rockefeller Jr. wanted to stop photographers from taking pictures of his children, he didn't say "I don't want their pictures published." He appealed to the desire to protect children: "You know how it is, boys. You've got children yourselves. And you know it's not good for youngsters to get too much publicity."

Another example I liked was with a publisher who couldn't afford to pay top writers what other magazines did when building his own. Despite that, he got famous author Louisa May Alcott to write for him by offering to donate her payment to her favorite charity—appealing to her nobler motives instead of money.

No matter the person, even those inclined to cheat will usually react favorably if you make them feel you consider them honest, upright, and fair. Appeal to the nobler motives, and watch people rise to meet your expectations.

Dramatize Your Ideas

Key takeaway: Merely stating a truth isn't enough. You have to make it vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Use showmanship to capture attention and make your point memorable, whether in business, sales, or everyday life.

This is the day of dramatization. Movies do it. Television does it. And you'll have to do it if you want attention. Window display experts know this power—when rat poison manufacturers put two live rats in store windows, sales zoomed to five times their normal rate. TV commercials constantly use dramatic techniques: showing antacid changing the color of acid in a test tube, one detergent getting a shirt clean while another leaves it grey, cars maneuvering through curves. These dramatizations get people to buy.

Stop just telling people facts. Show them. Make it visual, tactile, memorable. Use showmanship to capture attention and drive your point home. Dramatize your ideas, and watch how much more effective you become.

Throw Down a Challenge

Key takeaway: The desire to excel and prove yourself is one of the strongest human motivators. When you throw down a challenge—give people a chance to compete, to prove their worth, to win—you tap into something far more powerful than money or threats.

Charles Schwab had a mill manager whose workers weren't producing their quota. The manager had tried everything—coaxing, pushing, threatening to fire them. Nothing worked. Schwab asked a worker how many heats the day shift had made. "Six," the man said. Without a word, Schwab chalked a big "6" on the floor and walked away.

When the night shift came in, they saw the "6" and asked what it meant. The day workers explained the big boss had asked how many heats they made. The next morning, Schwab walked through the mill again. The night shift had rubbed out "6" and replaced it with a big "7." When the day shift saw that "7," they were determined to show the night shift who was better. They pitched in with enthusiasm and left behind an enormous "10" that night. Shortly after, this mill—which had been lagging behind—was turning out more work than any other mill in the plant.

Schwab explained it perfectly: "The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." The desire to excel. The challenge. Throwing down the gauntlet. It's an infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.

That's what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove their worth, to excel, to win. That's what makes foot races, competitions, and contests exciting. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance. Give people a challenge, and watch them rise to meet it.

Leadership and Changing People

Basically, these things boil down to thinking about what the other person wants, how they can benefit from what you say or ask, and phrase things to make them seem important and to make them see the benefits they can gain.

Begin with Praise and Honest Appreciation

Key takeaway: It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. Always start hard conversations with praise and appreciation.

If you must find fault, this is the only way to begin. Praising someone first creates a friendly atmosphere and makes the other person more receptive to what you have to say next. There is a famous phrase called a "compliment sandwich" you may have heard of where you give praise, then the criticism, and finally one more praise (like a sandwich).

For example, a man named W.P. Gaw needed a bronze subcontractor to deliver materials on time for a building, but the man was delayed and argumentative. Instead of yelling, Gaw went to see him and started by complimenting his unique name (the only one in the Brooklyn phone book!) and his clean, impressive factory. he subcontractor was so pleased by the appreciation that he gave Gaw a tour, took him to lunch, and without Gaw even having to ask promised to prioritize his order above all others.

If you want to change people without making them resent you, start with appreciation. It acts as the painkiller that dulls the pain of the correction that follows.

Call Attention to Peoples' Mistakes Indirectly

Key takeaway: Direct criticism puts people on the defensive and leads to resentment. Instead, call attention to mistakes indirectly through subtle hints, leading by example, or framing feedback in a way that lets people save face and fix the problem themselves.

I'll start this with an example the author uses.

Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills at noon when he saw employees smoking directly under a "No Smoking" sign. Schwab didn't do something critical like point to the sign and say "Can't you read?" He actually walked over, handed each man a cigar, and said: "I'll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside." They knew he knew they'd broken a rule, and they admired him because he said nothing about it, gave them a gift, and made them feel important.

Leading by example is also effective, as seen with an army sergeant who cut his own hair in order to inspire the new soldiers to do the same,

An important point that was made is the use of the word "but" vs "and". Many people begin criticism with sincere praise followed by "but" and ending with a critical statement. For example: "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better." Johnnie might feel encouraged until he hears "but." He'll question the sincerity of the original praise, thinking it was just a lead-in to criticism.

This is easily overcome by changing "but" to "and": "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others." Now Johnnie accepts the praise because there's no inference of failure. You've called attention to the behavior you want to change indirectly, and he'll likely try to live up to your expectations.

Whenever you feel the need to criticize someone or tell them to not do something, do it indirectly. This will help maintain stronger relationships.

Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing the Other Person

Key takeaway:

Ask Questions Instead of Giving Orders

Key takeaway: Barking out orders leads to resentment as no one likes to take orders. Giving suggestions and asking questions instead of giving direct commands saves peoples' pride, gives them a feeling of importance, and encourages cooperation rather than rebellion.

A direct order can cause resentment that lasts for years, even if the order was necessary. By shifting from "Do this" to "What do you think of this?", you invite the other person to be a partner in the solution rather than just a tool for your will.

An example I liked was with Ian Macdonald's manufacturing plant. When faced with an "impossible" deadline for a massive order, Macdonald didn't demand his team work harder and bark out orders. Instead, he called them together and asked: "Is there anything we can do to handle this?" and "Is there any way to adjust our hours to help?" Because the employees came up with the ideas themselves, they approached the task with a "We can do it" attitude and delivered on time.

The key is to give people a choice with the questions you ask. Next time you need something done, try rephrasing your command. Instead of "Get this report to me by 5:00," try "Do you think it’s possible to have this report finished by the end of the day?" With that approach, people are much more willing to help when they feel they have a choice.

Let Others Save face

Key takeaway: Even if you are 100% right and the other person is clearly wrong, you don't gain anything by crushing their ego. Letting someone "save face" is about protecting their dignity so they can move forward without feeling embarrassed or resentful.

We often rush into situations and point out people's mistakes without thinking about how much it hurts their pride. Whether it’s a kid or a coworker, taking just a few minutes to be thoughtful and understanding can take the "sting" out of a bad situation. It’s not just about being nice; it’s about keeping the relationship healthy.

Here is an example from the book. When Anna Mazzone made a huge mistake on a project, she was terrified to report it to her boss and peers. Instead of blowing up, her boss thanked her for her work and told the group that mistakes are normal on new projects. He told everyone he had total faith in her, and she left the meeting determined to never let him down again.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you think of other people. What matters is what they think of themselves. Hurting someone’s dignity is a quick way to lose their respect forever and strain relationships with them.

Praise Improvements, even the Smallest Ones

Key takeaway: People are like plants in that they need the "sunlight" of praise to grow. If you notice even a tiny bit of progress and call it out in a meaningful (non flattery) way, you give that person the boost they need to keep going. Abilities die under criticism, but they really bloom when you encourage them.

This is like positive reinforcement. Present a desirable, from-the-heart appreciation and praise to someone when they do something right, and they will likely continue to do that.

Even the smallest praise can lead to crazy change in people. For example, world famous opera singer Enrico Caruso's first teacher told him he couldn't sing at all, but his mom kept praising him and telling him she could hear him getting better. Because of her, he became one of the most famous opera singers ever.

Charles Dickens was working a miserable job in a warehouse and had no confidence in his writing. One editor finally praised a story he wrote, and that one bit of recognition changed his whole life.

Remember a big rule here though that was covered previously. Don't just flatter people. Empty compliments feel fake. You have to be specific and actually mean it. When you point out a real accomplishment, it shows you’re actually paying attention, and that makes the praise mean ten times more

Give Others a Great Reputation to Live Up To

Key takeaway: If you want someone to improve in a certain area, act like they already have that quality. Tell them, for example, that they are known for being honest, hardworking, or kind. Most people will work incredibly hard to make sure they don't let you down once you’ve given them a great reputation to protect.

One example the author uses is with a mechanic named Bill, who was great at his job until recently when he started doing worse work. Instead of bawling him out, his boss told him, "Bill, you’ve always been an outstanding mechanic, and your work has always been top-notch." By reminding Bill of his own high standards, the boss gave him a reputation to live up to. Bill immediately went back to being a fast and thorough mechanic.

If someone is falling short, don't focus on where they are failing. Remind them of who they can be or who they used to be. By treating them as if they are already the person you want them to become, you're giving them a powerful reason to step up.

Make Faults Seem Easy to Fix and Use Encouragement

Key takeaway: If you tell someone they’re "dumb" at something or that they have no talent for it, you destroy any reason for them to try. But if you do the opposite—if you’re big on encouragement and make the task seem easy to do—they will work to get better.

When you make a mistake seem like a huge, impossible mountain to climb, people give up. But when you give someone encouragement and tell them the things they did right, it gives them the heart to keep going.

For example, forty-year-old man took dancing lessons by request of his wife. The first teacher told him he was doing everything wrong and had to start from scratch, so he quit. The second teacher told him his style was a bit old-fashioned but he had a "natural sense of rhythm." Even though he knew he wasn't a pro, that encouragement made him want to practice and improve.

When you make a fault seem easy to fix, you give the other person hope; and hope is the best fuel for improvement.

Make Others Happy About Doing Things You Suggest

Key takeaway: People are much more likely to do what you want if they feel like they are doing themselves a favor or being given a special honor. It’s all about framing your request so the other person feels important and sees exactly how they benefit from the task.

If you just bark orders, people get resentful. But if you make them feel like a "hero" or an "expert" by doing the task, they’ll actually be happy to help. It sounds simple, but it’s a tool used by everyone from parents to presidents.

An example Carnegie uses is with Woodrow Wilson when he had to tell a close friend he wasn’t being sent on a peace mission that he really wanted to go on. He didn't say, "You aren't the right guy." Instead, he told him he was too important for the job and that his presence would cause too much of a stir. The friend walked away feeling honored instead of rejected.

With this, it is important to recognize that these things won't work every single time. However, even if it makes you 10% more effective at getting people to cooperate, you've become a much better leader which is the benefit you gain.